“A relationship doesn’t begin until it ends.”
What!? When I first heard this quote by a very wise man, it didn’t make sense to me– how can a relationship begin when it ends? It took me a few years to realize what he meant.
When we first enter into relationship with anyone– platonic, personal or professional– our unconscious emotions, ideals and needs determine whether or not the relationship can be beneficial to us. In a way, we make our choices through the veil of our feelings and desires. When the relationship becomes broken and ends for whatever reason, our rose-colored glasses are broken, too.
If (and it’s a big ‘if’) we decide to enter into relationship again with that person, since our rose-colored glasses are broken, we have to do it consciously knowing what we know about ourselves, the person and our past experience, warts and all. If the ‘new’ relationship is going to work, both parties will have to be honest with themselves and each other as they find a way to come to terms with and accept the idiosyncrasies of the other person, the relationship and themselves. That’s tough because, once you know something, you can’t not know it. We have to decide if being in relationship with that person is worth all the fears, anger, ambivalence and wounds we’ll personally confront and have to process on the way to finding ourselves back in intimate, trusting interaction with each other.
Once I understood the quote, I thought it only referred to a relationship with an ‘other.’ Over the past few months, I’ve come to know that it refers to the relationship we have with ourselves, too.
Every life has a theme; mine is love and transformation. It’s what we’re here for– to turn the ‘lead’ of our base selves into the precious ore that mirrors the Divine’s pure intention for our souls. My soul loves the process and the results of transformation; my human ego-centered self– not so much. Who wants to look at, feel, admit to one’s own flaws, fears, failures and inadequacies? Who wants to render themselves that vulnerable?
At a certain point in my current transformational process, I realized that I’d outgrown my old relationship with myself and I could only go forward if I ended it by consciously allowing myself to review and experience all the brilliance of living from my heart connection with the divinity of life, all the darkness of scurrying through the pettiness that we humans are so susceptible to, all the courage of moving past my fears and showing up and speaking up no matter the real or imagined threat and all the cowardice of not doing so.
As I sat in the center of my life, I courageously reveled in acknowledging and owning my light and my beauty; I honestly acknowledged that I also have fear and exposed the link to the illusions that that fear creates in its attempts to keep me a servant to it; I revealed the infinite love I have for myself, divinity and all creation and I, at last, wholly accepted that God didn’t make any mistakes in making me.
At times, during this process, I felt as if I were being pulled across a cheese grater. I’m finally at the part of the process where it feels like I’m being smoothed with fine grit sandpaper. Though it was a tough passage, I am infinitely grateful for the journey. Graters and sandpaper smooth and remove and as I actively, consciously engaged in being present for my life, I felt lifetimes of negative karma lifting and leaving me. Wow!
As a spiritual being having a human experience, I know that what comes with this package is an ability to both soar to the heights like Pegasus and, when I allow my ego to lead, plummet to the depths like Icarus. I’m so grateful for the gift of my loving friends who are courageous and caring enough of themselves, our relationship and me to help celebrate my light and, when need be, show up for the thorny task of calling me on my stuff.
I’ll be leading another Odyssey to Scotland in October. The purpose of this Odyssey is to recognize, receive and accept with all of our being, the gift of all the joy, light and greatness that our hearts and souls ordered for us this lifetime. I can hardly wait!
The gift of this last Mercury retrograde (which was both the gnarliest I’ve survived in a long time and the most true to its name in every regard) was priceless. As Mercury, the messenger, healer and trickster, went backwards, it churned up every bit of old memory, pattern and belief anyone would ever need to review and reflect on their journey so far. Did you get it?
Did you re-discover your light, your greatness? Did you re-commit to lovingly, courageously being and having the best life, ever? Did you finally get the point of the exercise and see yourself as the awesome gift that God made you?
“What we are is God’s gift to us. What we become is our Gift to God.” -Emerson
This Love Will Carry
Me– on Being Great ©
“People have called me intense all my life. I have always been mystified by what they meant by that word– intense. There always seemed to be an implication of abnormality whenever they referred to me that way.
I am me– this is how it is for me. I am normal the way I am. This is normal– this is me.
Yes– I am intense and it is perfectly normal for me to be intense, thank God! Yes– I am also powerful. I was born this way. Power and I are the same– we are– by design of God, the Creator.
Every instant of my life, I dance on the point of the flame of all existence. Every hour, every minute, every second of my life– I die and am reborn. The pyre is the center point of my being. I am always either descending into the flames, being consumed by them, dying; or I am the Phoenix– rising from the ashes, to live again the cycle of birth, death, rebirth = the Cycle of Transformation.
This is immortality– this is what immortality is. Immortality doesn’t mean never dying. Immortality means dying, being reborn, dying, being reborn– endlessly into and beyond infinity. We are all immortal; how could we not be? I AM IMMORTAL. Immortality is the cycle of life and that cycle cannot be broken.
I own my power, my intensity, my Greatness. I am finally able to. I own it, I claim it. Because I claim it– I am invincible. My strength and power are one with God– for God is the pyre, the flame, the ashes, the Phoenix, the Dance– and so am I.
I live in the center of it, I always have. Now I am conscious of my home, my heart, my heritage, my worth, my wealth– and I claim them. With my consciousness and my claim, comes my understanding and acceptance of my meaning, my life, my life force– myself.
With my understanding and acceptance, comes My Mastery… and with mastery, there is no longer mystery– there is only certainty.
I no longer doubt. The Greatness I am– already is– always has been. I no longer fret about my ascendancy– does the Sun fret– or does the Sun know? It is only a matter of time. All I have to do is be me, and that is easy– I can do nothing else.”
Lots of Joy,
“You have found a home…”
“Hiraeth… a homesickness, a nostalgia, a yearning for the lost places of my past.
It beckons and, at long last, I follow…”
October 10-19, 2015
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Phenomenal piece of five-star writing that is so authentic and so self-expressed. What a joy to read this. I can TRULY relate to so much of what Sheilaa wrote here. So beautifully reflecting the challenge of what it is to be both human and sacred while journeying through this plane of existence.